Better to Have Loved
by LGCoffeeAddict
Summary: Derek sat on his and Meredith's bed, turning a small box over and over in his hands. But why could he only think about Addie when he looked at this ring? He should hold off proposing until he could stop seeing Addison's face in it, right?
1. Chapter 1

Better to Have Loved

A **Grey's Anatomy **fic by Gigi

**Disclaimer:** I own Gigi-land, but sadly, I do not own Shonda-land.

Chapter 1: I Need You

**A/N: You'd think I'd have learned by now that by starting yet another multi-chapter fic, I'm making it harder for myself to update my other stories quickly, especially since school has started back. Oh well.**

**A/N: I have taken some creative liberties with the scene where Derek gets Addison's phone call because—well, because the story wouldn't have been nearly as interesting if I didn't. So yeah. I'm done writing in bold text, so read the un-bolded text (the story) now!**

Derek sat on his and Meredith's bed, turning a small box over and over in his hands. He didn't want to open it, because then he would be forced to ask himself if he would really propose to her. He hadn't even been planning to propose, but then his mother visited him and met Meredith—alarmingly high ponytail and all—and gave him the ring, saying she was different than Addie.

Which begs the question, why could he only think about Addie when he looked at this ring?

Derek kept telling himself that it was only because when he and Addie had been dating, he always eyed the sparkling diamond ring that rested on his mother's finger in hopes he could propose to her with it. He insisted it was only nostalgia that made him constantly picture the white-gold band nestled not on the long, skinny finger of his girlfriend, but on the slender, workman's finger of his ex-wife.

But he should hold off proposing until he could stop seeing Addison's face in it, right?

Right.

His pocket started buzzing when his phone received a call. Reaching into his pants pocket with the hand that wasn't holding the small velvet box, he extracted his cell phone and picked up.

"Hello?" A sob answered him. Right away, he knew who it was. "Addison?"

"Derek," she heaved, sounding more broken than he had ever heard before. Putting aside his own dilemma for the moment, Derek gripped the phone so tightly his knuckles became white. "I need you." He could hear the constant hitches in her voice that came from her crying.

"What happened?"

"Archer has neurocystic sarcosis," she announced, making Derek's eyes go wide. "He's in a medically-induced coma to prevent anymore brain damage from constant seizing." Another cry ripped out of her, and he could just picture her covering her mouth with her hand, eyes swimming with anguish.

"Where are you?"

"In Seattle." He knew what pain she was going through now, and he was fully aware of that pain. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he couldn't believe that his ex-wife was back near him just as he received the long-awaited engagement ring from his mother for Meredith. "I'm at the hospital, but you're not! I need you here, Derek. I need you to make it all okay," she pleaded.

Addison paced in the courtyard in front of the hospital, with one hand holding her BlackBerry up to her ear and the other propped on her hip. Derek could faintly hear the soft clicking of her heels against the pavement, and suddenly that was the only place Derek could think of being. "I'm on my way."

**8D**

Derek had driven like a madman to the hospital. He'd haphazardly parked in a red zone, and he couldn't even remember if he'd locked his car. All he could focus on was the woman who waited for him by the hospital doors. As soon as she saw him power-walking to her, she rushed out to meet him.

"Derek!" Addison cried out in relief, letting him envelope her in a tight hug when they reached each other.

"It's okay, I'm right here," he soothed, rubbing her back. Addison buried her face in his neck and clutched his shoulders for dear life.

"He was fine, and then--" she broke off.

"I know."

The pair stood there for a few minutes. He simply held her while she finally let herself break down. Every now and then, he heard her whisper, "He's my big brother," in a way that made his heart hurt. He was already going to try to save his former brother-in-law, but seeing Addison in so much torment, he realized _had_ to save Archer.

**A/N: Such a shortie! I'm writing this in the car, and I really want to sleep now, and I can't think of anything else to add to this without making it drag on. So review, and **_**maybe**_** I'll post the next chapter soon. But only if I get reviews.**


	2. Be a God

Better to Have Loved

A **Grey's Anatomy **fic by Gigi

**Disclaimer:** I own Gigi-land, but sadly, I do not own Shonda-land.

Chapter 2: Be a God

**A/N: Wow, you guys really took my little "if I get reviews" thing to heart! A whopping twelve reviews! You have no idea how happy that makes me. So happy, in fact, that I'm updating out of order, skipping right ahead to this fic again. Gotta keep up that momentum. **

**A/N2: So I changed a few details about when Sam and Derek met in the hospital. Let's just assume they met **_**before**_** Sam helped out with the scans.**

Derek stared at Archer's films in despair. The man had eight cysts in his third ventricle—virtually inoperable. What the hell was he supposed to tell Addie?

_Addison_, he corrected himself.

He already had to deal with the Columbia Med reunion that had apparently converged on him—Sam, Naomi, Addison and him, together again. They all looked so devastated when he told them it was inoperable. Before the news, Naomi and Archer were constantly talking about Derek and Addison's wedding and the song he wrote for her.

_The stupid, stupid song_, he thought. _If I hadn't written it, I wouldn't have had to listen to it again, reminding me just how much of a dumbass I am._

The door to the viewing room opened and in walked Addison.

_Speak of the devil..._Derek felt slightly guilty thinking about that. He _had_ given her the title of "Satan" when she had first come out to Seattle. That felt so long ago now.

She walked slowly in front of him, leaning slightly against the table. "There's just now way, Addie," he started, but the woman cut him off. Neither of them realized the nickname slipped past his lips.

"I put you in a tiny box after the divorce," she told him, looking down at her hands, which were currently making the shape of a rectangle. "I made you petty and inconsequential and nothing special so that you could fit into this tiny little box that would help me get out of bed in the morning." Addison still didn't look up at him. Her face crumpled a little bit as she let her hands fall. She placed one of the desk beside her and leaned on her locked elbow, still staring at her feet. "But now." She brought her free hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose, trying to contain her emotion. "Now, I have to take you out of the box," she declared, finally looking up at him. Derek's heart broke a little as she fixed her watery gaze on him. "Because I need to believe that you can do this, that you can save my brother." She took a deep breath, looking away for a second before returning her eyes to his. "I need you to be a god. Just today, be a god." And with that, Addison gave him one last pleading glance and walked out.

Derek buried his face in his hands.

_Great, as if I didn't have enough motivation not to royally screw this up._

**8D**

He'd avoided Meredith all day. He couldn't face her now, when he had absolutely no idea what—or _who_, for that matter—he wanted. He couldn't risk her seeing his preoccupation over Archer's case and take it as preoccupation over Addison. Which it might have been.

So he was hiding out in the viewing room again. A cup of coffee sat on the desk in front of him, and he sat back in his swivel chair in frustration, once again eyeing the scans of his ex-brother-in-law. He still couldn't fathom how he was supposed to remove _eight_ cysts, and in the third ventricle, no less!

Sam walked down the hall, passing the viewing room and seeing his old best friend rubbing his temples. "Hey," he greeted, poking his head in.

Derek turned his neck to see who it was. "Hey," he replied in a tired voice.

"Did Addison find you?" Sam asked. Derek nodded, his eyes suddenly even _more_ somber than they were before. "Did she put the fear of God in you?" he joked.

Derek jerked at the eerily similar words. "Something like that," he answered softly. He returned to his study of Archer's scans. Sighing, he murmured, "She's expecting a miracle, and I can't give it to her."

Something went off in his brain. He'd said almost the exact same thing to Addison about Meredith a year ago. And now he was talking about Addison, and he had a feeling he would be more upset failing Addison than he ever would failing Meredith.

He shoved his hands in his pockets in frustration, despite the awkward angle his seated position created, and his right hand brushed against velvet. He'd almost completely forgotten about the ring in all that had been happening with Addison.

Then Sam told him to step back, and look at the problem as if it were only one cyst, not eight. How would he remove the _one_ cyst?

**A/N: Haha, I totally just beat you on the head with that last paragraph. AP Lit is really getting to me apparently. Again, another shortie. This is one of the more exhausting stories to write, because I go **_**so**_** deeply into Derek's thoughts and it's much more serious than anything I've written in a while. Don't forget, I'm also dealing with senior year, AP classes, college classes, college **_**apps**_**, clubs, etc. Cut me some slack, please, and REVIEW!!**


	3. Make Eternity Longer

Better to Have Loved

A **Grey's Anatomy **fic by Gigi

**Disclaimer:** I own Gigi-land, but sadly, I do not own Shonda-land.

Chapter 3: Make Eternity Longer

**A/N: I'm absolutely blown away by how many reviews two chapters have gotten. It's kinda sad. Not this, but the fact that there are so many more Addek shippers than Addex. I am in **_**love**_** with Addex, but it's really hard not to fall for Addek, too. Yeah, this author's note was pretty pointless, but I always have one at the beginning and end of each chapter and it just feels wrong not to have one now. So yeah. Read and be merry.**

Derek kind of wanted to hurt Mark.

Why did Mark just blurt out that Derek was going to propose to Meredith? Why on _Earth_ would he do that to Addison? Especially since Derek had no idea whether he was going to actually propose or not.

Walking into the scrub room of the OR, Derek scrubbed at his hands like he was pretending the dirt was Mark—washing down the drain.

_Why_ would he tell her that?

**8D**

Derek's eyes followed the tip of Meredith's tweezers as she counted the worms in her petri dish. Eight. He counted once more in his head. Eight.

_Eight_.

Derek whipped his head up to the gallery, his eyes immediately locking with Addison's shimmery, tear-filled eyes. A big, beautiful smile graced her features, and an emotion swam in her eyes that Derek could only describe as love.

_Of course she loves me,_ Derek excused to himself as he began to remove his hands from Archer's brain, _I just saved her brother. She just loves me for saving her brother. That's all._

Despite that thought, he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering to the gallery to see that radiant smile directed toward him. _Him_. _He_ brought that look of jubilance to her eyes. _He_ caused her happiness. _He_ saved her brother's life.

**8D**

"There he is!" in Mark's deep baritone voice was the first sound that greeted Derek when he entered Joe's after the surgery, followed very closely by sounds of celebration and praise for his godlike hands.

"Now that's the kind of welcome I deserve," Derek declared happily as Addison jumped out of her seat to greet him with a huge smile on her face and pulled him into a tight embrace, pecking him softly on the cheek. A small grin formed on Derek's lips as he buried his face in her shoulder, savoring the feeling of holding his ex-wife so close. He missed being able to do that.

"Joe, scotch for the neuro god," Mark ordered somewhere behind the hugging people.

Addison pulled back from the hug beaming. "You were a god today," she began, clutching the sides of his neck softly. "You were a god in that OR." Then she did something that blew Derek's mind away. She kissed him. She pulled his head to meet her lips. That was it. It was just a meeting of the lips, a way to say thank you, but Derek enjoyed it far too much. Breaking the kiss, Addison kept talking. "You slew dragons, you walked on water. You—you were a god, but now..." She pursed her lips and looked down, steeling herself for what she had to say. "Now you need to get tiny again and go back in the box." Addison couldn't help but keep smiling. Her brother's life was saved and that's all she could focus on, not even on the fact that Derek had kissed her back. Her smile faltered a little, however, when she saw the intensity burning in her ex-husband's eyes. Dropping her eyes, Addison tucked her hair behind her ear and started walking towards the table. "How wa—How was your craniotomy?"

Derek took a second to answer. His eyes fell to Addison's body as she turned away from him. "It was fine," he finally said, wishing their moment had lasted longer.

"Yeah?" She looked up at him once she'd sat down.

"Yeah, I stopped in on Archer on my way out. Things are, uh, good," he continued, joining Addison at the table.

"Good," she smiled. Derek's eyes focused on something behind her, so she turned her head and saw Naomi, Sam and Mark standing there looking as if they were up to something. They were.

"Had his mitrovalve gotten too thick," they began in chorus.

Addison immediately started chuckling into her drink, "Oh, God."

Derek looked down at the table and wished they'd stop singing. "Shut up," he begged. He was such a goof ball when he'd married Addison so long ago. _But you were a happy goof ball_, a voice inside of him insisted.

"Is that what made the cadaver so sick?" Addison's face was lit up with a huge smile, her eyes focusing down memory lane. "But we can't remember the chorus," Naomi protested.

"We got all the way to the second verse," Sam piped in, pointing toward Addison. "Your name starts the chorus."

"Yes, yes!" Naomi agreed, looking at her best friend expectantly.

Addison shot Derek a look that had "Let's humor them" come through loud and clear. She took a deep breath, straightened and held her hands up for silence. Then, with a flourish of her slender hands and a flick of her slight wrist, Addison began to sing in a steady alto. "Addison Montgomery," she began. Derek couldn't help but smile as her blue eyes began to glisten as they glanced back at their wedding. "He met her in the summery," she continued, doing a little dance with her hands at the end.

Now Derek had to jump in. "It wasn't summery," he corrected. "I'd never use summery as a noun. I met her...in the summer, _she_."

"Oh, summer, she—really?" Addison asked with a laugh, leaning her elbow on the table and locking eyes with her ex-husband.

"Yeah," he ascertained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, unable to keep a grin off his face and a small chuckle from his voice.

Another one of Addison's giggles escaped her throat as she broke her gaze and looked up at Naomi, who was finally remembering the words to the chorus.

"She was...cutting up a very dead body!" Naomi picked up as the other two guys joined in for the last few words.

"This is why I don't stay in touch," Derek shot good-naturedly at Sam, who simply grinned in return and continued singing.

"And in her eyes I saw my life," the bald man sang.

"I knew that she would be my wife," Naomi joined in. "And she would breathe the life back into me."

At that last line, Addison and Derek looked at each other again—this time neither of them broke their eye contact. Addison had a sweet, nostalgic smile on her lips, and her eyes were full of nothing but love for what they had, for who he used to be.

"From every day until eternity..." the trio trailed off. Derek dropped his eyes and looked up at them again, wondering why they suddenly felt compelled to sing that particular song that he'd written for Addison on their wedding day. Mark rubbed a hand on Addison's shoulder, comforting her and reminding her that was all in the past now. She looked toward Mark solemnly, almost as if she was trying to rub away the tears that hadn't formed in her eyes yet, though her hands never moved from their position on the table.

Sometimes he wished eternity had lasted a little bit longer, that he could still let her breathe the life back into him after what he'd seen that night. She knew everything about him, all his likes, dislikes, allergies, fears, secret aspirations, all of them, but he'd thrown that away the minute he'd stopped being the person she knew.

That thought gave Derek pause. He'd acknowledged that part of the problems in their marriage was his fault out loud, but he'd never truly admitted it to himself and actually taken on any of the responsibility. But before he could develop that line of reasoning, he heard Sam clear his throat softly before settling into his deep baritone voice.

"Until I'd be as dead as that body...."

**A/N: Okay, I'm so sorry that it's been months since I updated! And I'm really sorry that it's only like 1000 words. Never mind. That's not bad haha, especially since that's usually my minimum per chapter. And this is 300 words over that, so HA. Okay, review please.**


	4. Seeing Red

Better to Have Loved

A **Grey's Anatomy **fic by Gigi

**Disclaimer:** I own Gigi-land, but sadly, I do not own Shonda-land.

Chapter 4: Seeing Red

**A/N: So it's taken me horrendously long to update this story, and I'm sorry, especially since this is a fic that actually has readers. I apologize, so here's the next (albeit **_**very**_** short) installment. Enjoy!**

Derek couldn't have been any more of an idiot.

Why did he have to go and become all emotionally attached to that pregnant patient? He did what Addison had to learn the hard way to give up.

_I pulled an Addison_, he thought to himself miserably, remembering their intern year, when Richard put Addison in charge of a terminal preemie, but she didn't know the baby wasn't going to survive the night. It took her almost a year to get over that—she wouldn't talk to Richard the entire rest of their intern year.

Suddenly, a panic rose in Derek's throat. She wasn't going to stop talking to him now, was he? He was pretty awful in the OR, yelling at her to put down the scalpel and making her get Richard to outrank him. She always hated seeming petty, and he'd made her seem just that.

Derek groaned and left the hospital.

**8D**

He went home, but it wasn't what Meredith called home. Derek wasn't even paying attention to where he was driving, but he found himself parked in front of his small, silver trailer on his huge, green tract of land.

There was no reason for him to be there. He hadn't left anything there that he desperately needed right then. Nothing was in there except memories. But he could use some memories right about then.

Slowly, Derek climbed up the few stairs to the front door and unlocked it, pushing it open. For some reason, he always expected something to be drastically different about the trailer whenever he came back to it. But it was always the same. The same kitchen, with the fridge that wouldn't close all the way; the same cramped hallway, with an airplane-sized bathroom on one side and a closet shower on the other; the same bed, with the crimson bedclothes that he remembered buying with his wife because they reminded him of her hair.

Kicking off his shoes, Derek collapsed onto the bed, inhaling the sheets' laundered scent and imagining he was really smelling the flowery aroma of her perfume. He knew that wasn't what he was supposed to imagine. He knew that he shouldn't be thinking about his ex-wife like that when he was in a committed relationship with someone else. He knew that, but he just couldn't help it.

Whether it was because he was thinking about proposing to Meredith and he'd lost faith in marriage, or whether it was because it was his mother's ring, the one he'd virtually begged for to give to Addison, he couldn't tell. All he could tell was that, right then, in that moment, he saw red. Red hair. Red lips. Red sheets. Red heels. Red prom dresses, the kinds that are worn the night by women whose husbands end their marriage by sleeping with someone else.

Derek pushed himself up on the bed and propped himself on his elbows when he heard a car pulling up and an engine cutting off. Peering out the window, he couldn't see much from his position, but he saw a car that wasn't Meredith's. And he saw red.

He was so shocked by that sighting that he stayed frozen on the bed while he heard the clicking of the heels on the wooden porch outside, while he listened to the small clink of a key turning in a lock. He didn't even move from his essentially horizontal position when he watched a slender hand push open the door and a tall redhead follow it.

Addison stopped in her tracks at the sight of Derek's stunned face. One of her feet was still outside.

**A/N: I told you it was really short! I'm sorry for that, but it's two in the morning, and I have to wake up in six hours (on a Saturday, no less!) to do about a dozen things at once. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm pretty sure sleep will help me handle it without completely dying. I know of a good way for you to figure out whether or not I died from lack of sleep: REVIEW!!**


	5. SoftSpoken Apologies

Better to Have Loved

A **Grey's Anatomy **fic by Gigi

**Disclaimer:** I own Gigi-land, but sadly, I do not own Shonda-land.

Chapter 5: Soft-Spoken Apologies

**A/N: Okay, so I know it was really mean of me to give you such a short update and then leave you hanging for seven months, and I'm sorry. Hopefully, this will make you feel better!**

Addison stood staring at Derek with one foot still out the door for what seemed to be eternity. Derek fared no better; he was well aware he was just short of gaping at his ex-wife.

Derek found his voice first. "What are you doing here?"

Addison jumped a little bit at the question, and her grip tightened on her key, which remained nestled in the lock. "I-I'm sorry," she stammered. "I just needed to get away from the hotel. Naomi, Mark and Sam kept wanting to talk about the incident in the OR, and I just needed to think about anything else." Derek simply sat up and nodded along thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, I'll just go—"

"No!"

The word rang through the small trailer, stopping Addison in her attempt to escape the increasingly awkward encounter. Derek found his arm was extended, almost as if he'd intended to give chase if she did decide to flee. "I mean," he coughed, retracting his arm, "you don't have to leave."

"Really?" Addison asked tentatively, still wavering in the doorframe.

"Yes, really," Derek confirmed. "You should stay." He shifted to one side of the bed, leaving her ample space to sit next to him. He could still see the hesitation in her pale blue eyes as she slowly stepped fully inside the trailer. A small welcoming smile formed on his lips in an attempt to put her at ease. It didn't exactly work, but nonetheless she closed the trailer door behind her and crept her way to the bed, dropping off her purse and keys on the table in the process.

When she finally sat down on the edge of the bed, she turned herself so she could look at him. "I think we should talk," she declared into the quiet.

Nodding, Derek began, "Before we do, I need to apologize to you about what happened in the OR today."

Addison sighed. She seemed so worn out to her ex-husband, who, after eleven and a half years of marriage, could read her like a book. "Derek, you really don't have to—"

"Yes, I do," he cut in vehemently. "I blew up at you for no other reason than I let myself get attached to the case. I was crossing a line, and you were trying to stop me. I had no right to yell at you, and I shouldn't have."

Silence once again reigned in the enclosed space. Derek looked up after a few seconds to see Addison studying him and chewing her bottom lip. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, and dark circles hung right below them. "Thank you," she whispered. "I was going to tell you I'm sorry, too. I saw that you were doing what I used to do, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I could have confronted you about it, and I didn't."

For some reason, words refused to form on Derek's tongue. Settling for a simple shake of his head, he dropped his eyes Addison's hand, which was fiddling with the crimson bedspread. On impulse, he reached over and enclosed her hand in his, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on the side. Her hand stilled, just as he heard her breath hitch.

Looking up, Derek's piercing blue gaze met Addison's unsure one. "I've missed you, Addie," he murmured.

Addison felt her heart constrict at those four softly spoken words. She spent a few seconds just focusing on breathing in and out slowly. The effects of everything that had taken place in the last few days were catching up to her now that she had a chance to just sit and breathe. Before she knew it, tears were once again flowing freely down her cheeks, and she was squeezing her ex-husband's hand as if her life depended on it.

As soon as the first tear rolled down her cheek, Derek tugged on the hand he held and gathered Addison into a warm, comforting hug while he rubbed her back soothingly. "Shh…" he hummed. "It's okay, I'm right here. Just let it all out. I'm right here…"

An hour later found the pair laying on the bed, Derek's head resting on a pillow and Addison's head on his chest, which rose and fell rhythmically. The sound of his heartbeat lulled the exhausted redhead into a deep, peaceful slumber.

**A/N: Yet another shortie, but I couldn't bring myself to make the chapter longer. It just seemed an appropriate stopping place. I'm really sorry for having such short chapters, but I hope you'll keep reading and reviewing! So please, REVIEW!**


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